Hello. There are two things you should know about me: 1) My name is Karen Carpenter. 2) Just before Christmas my boyfriend left me. I'm not THE Karen Carpenter. I just have the most embarrassing name in Christendom. Particularly as I'm no skinny minny and don't play the drums. I can't even sing. I'm tone deaf.

I work in a school in the East End. (Where I came third in a 'Teacher we'd most like to sleep with' competition amongst the Year 11 boys) My Mum's driving me mad. She's come to stay and is obsessed with Scandi crime shows and Zumba. Oh yeah. The boyfriend. After eleven 'happy' years he left me. No explanation just a post it on the kettle when I got in from work. I think I'm handling it really well.

I don't think I'm confused at all. What was my name again?.