Chapter 1 So, not only is my mother the current world expert on table manners and social etiquette (her book has sold literally millions of copies), but today Mum found out she''s been invited to do a TED Talk in Sydney. That''s why we were meant to be celebrating, even if I still couldn''t believe anyone would want to read a book or listen to a talk about table manners. As if the whole tidying-up frenzy a few years back wasn''t enough! Can you imagine what mealtimes are like at our place sinceTammy Bracken''s Guide to Modern Mannershit the Amazon Best Sellers list? Sascha has even stopped begging for treats under the table, and that''s saying a lot considering labradors are famous for overeating. Clementine and I had made fish tacos. Clementine''s my younger sister and if I was being a complete liar I''d pretend she wasn''t annoying. If only! In our house, Clementineisaconstantcauseofchaos.Especially when she''s around Mum, which isn''t even that much these days considering Mum''s always locked in her den. Mum has a strict closed-door policy when it comes to her den.

She says,How else am I supposed to get any work done? Clementine and I are hardly allowed to make a peep. We''re only halfway through summer break. We should be the ones saying,How are we expected to have any fun? According toTammy Bracken''s Guide to Modern Manners tacos are one of the few meals that are acceptable to eat with your hands, which is why Clementine had wanted to make them. Tammy''s Tips #1 eating with one''s hands Meals should be eaten with a knife and a fork - not with fingers and hands. The only exceptions to this rule are when eating pizza, corn on the cob, French fries, sandwiches, tacos and other wraps where fillings may fall out. If Clementine had it her way she''d eat every meal with her hands, even soup. Clementine had already set the table. No cutlery at all, a sure-fire trigger for one of Mum''s manners rants.

Would it have killed Clementine to put down the odd fork? I just wasn''t in the mood for any of Clementine''s antics. I was feeling gloomy about Sylvie, who up until then I''d thought was my best friend. Therewasabsolutelynodenyingthateversince school had broken up, when Sylvie had ''accidentally'' left me off the socials group for the beach gathering, she''d been acting super weird. I was slowly starting to put all the puzzle pieces together. Sylvie didn''t invite me back to her place after the silent disco in the school hall either, then pretended it was just another mistake. Did she think I wouldn''t notice? In a small town like Kingfisher Bay everyone notices everything, believe me! Especially now that there are hardly any tourists. Not since the sewerage spill in the front beach car park, which is way too disgust- ing to think about when you''re about to eat a fish taco. Anyway, that afternoon at the back beach, it was official - Sylvie was acting weird.

We had been bobbing out on the waves on our boogie boards when Sylvie started talking all cryptic about my parents. ''So how does your mum even still talk to him?'' Sylvie asked, literally out of the blue. ''To who?'' I asked. ''Your dad!'' she scoffed. Why would Sylvie know the first little thing about my dad? Who even cared about other people''s parents anyway? Sylvie and I never finished the conversation. Before I could ask what she meant she was paddling like a machine, kicking her feet and lining herself up to take the next wave. But it was obvious that Sylvie knew some- thing. And whatever it was, it wasn''t good and it was about my dad, which made me want to stick up for him.

Everyone knows you''re the only one who''s allowed to actually bag out your own parent. Dad took a big bite of his fish taco. ''Mmm!'' he said. ''Delicious salsa, girls, love the fresh coriander!'' ''Thanks, Dad!'' said Clementine, licking her fingers. ''Clementine!'' Mum scolded. I accept that this is an eat-with-your-hands situation but that doesn''t mean you can eat like a barbarian. Use your napkin, please!'' Clementine put the half-eaten taco back on her plate, licked her fingers again then wiped her face with her napkin. ''And, Alberta,'' Mum snapped, ''how many times do I have to tell you to disconnect your elbows from the table?'' It was going to be one of those dinners for sure.

I gave Dad my best basset hound eyes.Do something!I silently pleaded. Tammy''s Tips #2 elbows There should be no elbows on the table! In my opinion a ''no elbows on the table'' rule demonstrates good manners and proper table etiquette. How''s the TED Talk coming along, love?'' Dad asked cheerfully, passing Mum the platter of fish. ''Fine,'' said Mum in a capital letter FINE kind of way, which everyone knows means,I''m not at all fine. As I watched Mum struggling to fit two chunks of fish plus some avocado and tomato salsa into her tortilla I couldn''t help thinking of what Sylvie had said that afternoon in the water again. That''s when most of Mum''s taco filling spilled out onto her plate. ''Damn it! How on earth are you meant to eat these things?'' ''I''ll show you,'' Clementine said eagerly.

She posi- tioned her half-eaten taco, tomato juice dripping down her wrists, and shoved the whole thing into her mouth. ''Nike dis!'' she muffled. Mum pulled her lips into a tight thin line and clenched her teeth. The muscles in her jaw bulged. She was on the verge of a total table manners meltdown. Dad lowered his head, bracing himself for the oncoming explosion. Somebody had to come up with a distraction! ''Dad?'' I asked. ''What''s happening with that cottage? The one in the middle of the Bunnings car park.

Anyone bought it yet?'' My dad worked at Kingfisher Bay Real Estate and asking him about the properties he had listed wasthe best defence against Mum''s manners rants. Dad looked relieved. 6 ''Funny you should ask, Alberta.'' ''Hilarious!'' Clementine said sarcastically. ''I had to go there today as a matter of fact,'' Dad said. ''Unfortunately there hasn''t been much interest on account of the--'' ''Poo?'' Clementine asked, still chewing. A cube of diced tomato shot from her mouth onto the table. Mum''s face turned a similar shade of tomato red.

''That''s it!'' she yelled. ''Clementine, if you are going to make a complete mockery of proper table etiquette then you can jolly well skip dinner and go to your room!'' Clementine''s chair scraped the floor. ''Fine!'' she said, swallowing hard. She picked up her plate and stomped into the kitchen, clanged it into the