Chapter 1 What Dysfunction Looks Like Carmen grew up in a two-parent home. It was customary for her father, Bruce, to work all day, come home, get drunk, and go into a rage. Carmen''s mom, April, spent much of her time in her room disengaged from Carmen and her two siblings. April "drank too much," but she wasn''t as bad as Bruce. When April and Bruce would argue, Carmen and her siblings would tune them out by blasting the TV. Carmen spent a lot of time with her friends to avoid being at home. With her friends'' families, she found that it wasn''t the norm for parents to be drunk, argue all the time, or be emotionally neglectful. As Carmen grew older, she learned to rely on her extended family for support.

When she needed a ride to hang out with friends, she''d call her grandmother. She couldn''t risk her parents picking her up while drunk. When she needed clothes for school, she called her aunt, who gladly took her shopping. What Carmen didn''t have was someone to talk to about her homelife. Her friends didn''t have these issues with their parents, and her extended family danced around her parents'' issues by trying to pick up the slack. Carmen was lonely and embarrassed. For many years, she thought she was the problem because no one else seemed concerned about her parents'' actions. Her siblings accommodated their parents'' behavior, and the rest of the family said things like, "That''s just who your parents are.

You have to love them anyway." She loved her parents, but she was tormented by how they behaved. Their issues even continued into her adulthood. Most of the time, Carmen just sucked it up, and when she did put her foot down, her family guilt-tripped her, accusing her of acting funny and being mean. She wanted someone to see the issues, validate her experiences, and let her know that it was OK to want something different from her family. What Does It Mean to Have a Dysfunctional Family? For Carmen, it meant having parents who were addicts, emotionally neglectful, and at times verbally abusive. A dysfunctional family is one where abuse, chaos, and neglect are accepted norms. In dysfunctional families, unhealthy behaviors are overlooked, swept under the rug, or catered to.

As in Carmen''s case, it''s hard to ascertain dysfunction until you''re exposed to other, healthier situations. And even when exposed to better relationships, it can still be hard to break away from dysfunctional patterns. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you probably thought this was normal: Forgiving and forgetting (with no change in behavior) Moving on as if nothing happened Covering up problems for others Denying that a problem exists Keeping secrets that need to be shared Pretending to be fine Not expressing your emotions Being around harmful people Using aggression to get what you want When People Tell You There''s a Problem, Believe Them Far too often, people become defensive and resistant to change instead of acknowledging the problem and working toward a resolution. In Carmen''s case, whenever she tried to talk to her parents about some of their unhealthy behaviors, they became defensive or blamed her for wanting something different. No one within the family was willing to hear her concerns, likely because they weren''t ready to work on the issues. Carmen wasn''t alone, yet no one was willing to stand with her. Her experience was the same as everyone else''s, but she was the one who was brave enough to point out that there was a problem. She wanted to learn how to confront the issues that everyone seemed to easily accommodate or ignore.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Survey The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Survey is commonly used to measure the severity of childhood trauma. The survey takes into consideration areas such as these: Witnessing violence Sexual abuse Exposure to substance abuse in the home Physical abuse Verbal abuse Emotional abandonment Parent who was mentally ill Imprisonment of a parent Childhood trauma impacts our ability to process and express emotions, and it increases the likelihood of maladaptive emotional-regulation strategies (e.g., suppression of emotions). In particular, children exposed to violence have challenges in distinguishing threat and safety cues. It''s widely known that things like abuse and neglect are dysfunctional aspects within a family dynamic. But family relationships are impacted by other factors as well. Trauma is assessed on a scale from 0 to 10, but childhood trauma can be impactful with a score as low as 2.

ACE doesn''t even consider financial instability, moving multiple times, or generational trauma, which we know impact mental health. I believe that your ACE score (mine is a 7) or childhood experience of trauma doesn''t determine your future. We are powerful and can make choices that are hard in the moment but beneficial in the long term. What we experience in childhood carries over to adulthood because once the trauma is activated, the cycle is often perpetuated. Children who experience homelessness tend to have higher ACE scores and a higher likelihood of homelessness issues in adulthood. Other Factors That Contribute to Childhood Dysfunction Self-absorbed parents Emotionally immature parents Domineering parents Enmeshed family relationships Competitive relationships within the family Children parenting their parents (In Chapters 2 and 3, we will dig deeper into these concepts.) A compelling documentary, The Boys of Baraka is about a program with Black boys in Baltimore, Maryland. Twenty at-risk young men enrolled in a boarding school in Kenya to experience their cultural roots, community, academics, and structure.

While away, many of the boys showed improvements academically, emotionally, and socially. The program then lost funding, and the boys returned home. Once they returned to their home environments, which hadn''t changed, many of them suffered the consequences of growing up in these at-risk environments, including drug abuse, jail, and repeating unhealthy cycles. The atmosphere in which they lived limited their ability to thrive, and with little hope, they returned to familiar patterns. Nevertheless, with the right tools, we can heal from childhood and family traumas. Environment Where you grow up, who you grow up with, and the things you experience in your home have lifelong implications for who you become. Trauma has long-term effects on your body, mind, relationships, financial health, and emotional and mental health. The first eighteen years of life profoundly impact your entire life.

In the book What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., Oprah shares her story of childhood trauma and how those experiences shaped her. Her mother beat her for even the slightest offense, and this abuse turned her into a people-pleaser. It took years for her to realize that her behavior as an adult was rooted in her experiences as a child.

Things You May Inherit from Your Family Money management skills Communication skills The way you attach to others Values Patterns of substance use How you treat your children How you handle your mental health There''s so much from your childhood that gives therapists a picture of how you developed the problem you''re working through in adulthood. One thing I ask is, "When is the first time you felt that way?" or "Who was the first person to make you feel that way?" Typically, the narrative floats back to childhood. We carry the weight of the years when we were most powerless, as if we have to continue that way, but adulthood gives us the opportunity to change our narrative. Resilience Resilience is the ability to embrace what happened. We can overcome our environment when the right protective factors are in place. Protective factors include Strong connections with safe adults Positive parenting influences Strong values or a sense of purpose The ability to self-regulate, have a positive outlook, and be resourceful Healthy social connections Support from peers and mentors Continual structured programs that increase exposure to healthy relationships It''s often said that we are a product of our environment, but we can also be a product of exposure to healthy relationships outside the home. Carmen''s understanding of her home environment was shaped by what she saw as healthy alternatives outside her home. Growing up in Detroit, Michigan, and attending public schools, I recall being exposed to programs intended to help urban kids overcome issues they may have faced at home.

I stopped littering in elementary school because a group taught us about how littering is harmful to our environment, and they helped us clean the neighborhood around my school. Although the cleaning efforts were short-lived, the piece about not littering stuck with me. Strangers have assumed that I was raised in a two-parent home and that my childhood was free of trauma, but neither of those assumptions is true. I had exposure to different perspectives and healthy relationships, and I hoped that my life would be different when.