Joint Custody with a Jerk 1. What Did I Ever See in My Ex? My son thinks his dad can do no wrong. But my ex lies to us all the time. He says he can''t pick up our son on Saturday morning because he has to work. When I call his office to offer to drop Danny off, he''s not there. It makes me crazy!   My ex is constantly changing her plans and then expects me to change mine. I''m really tired of it. But what can I do? If my ex cancels visitation at the last minute, I can''t leave the kids alone.

  My ex is big on Facebook and Twitter, and he''s all over it with the kids and what they do each weekend, posting photos or reporting: "Here we are at the park" or "Here we are at the zoo." I miss my kids terribly on weekends and this just makes me miss them more. How can I get him to leave the kids out of his Facebook life?   The trailers for the new blockbuster movie looked great and I really wanted to take my son. I couldn''t take him to the opening, though, because his dad had him then, so we agreed that we''d go the following weekend. But when he came home from his dad''s, he told me they''d already seen it. I was told: "It was great !" I wanted to kill my ex!!! How dare he? My son knew that I was looking forward to seeing the movie with him and then his father pulls the rug out from under our plans. He does this all the time--he constantly undermines the fun things I have planned with our son.   When the kids go to visit their father for the weekend, it''s party time.

He feeds them junk, lets them stay up all night to watch R-rated movies, and has no regard for their personal hygiene. Late Sunday night, he returns them sick, tired, and dirty. I have a terrible time getting them up for school on Monday.   My ex begged for more visitation time with the kids. Now that he got what he wanted, he doesn''t actually take them more often--he thinks that talking to them via Skype counts as a visit! So I still have the child-care duties and he feels like he''s fulfilled his paternal duties by video chatting.   When we were married, my husband and I vowed to never look at each other''s email. Well, now that he''s broken all thoseother vows, I don''t think I need to honor this one completely. I changed my password the day he left, but he''s never bothered to change his.

And while I don''t open his emails, I sometimes log onto his account to see if he''s read the ones I''ve sent him. And I read the subject lines. So now I''ve figured out that he''s dating someone and I think he''s looking to buy a house. But when I ask him if he''s dating someone and thinking of moving, he denies it!   It''s bad enough that my teenage daughter is forever on her phone, texting her friends, but on the weekends she spends with me I see her become visibly upset because her mom has texted her about something. Often it''s about how much she misses her, and sometimes it''s about cleaning her room. I''ve asked my ex to leave us alone on "my" time, but she just ignores this and calls, texts, or IMs at will.   My ex never bothers to repack my daughter''s clothes, schoolwork, games, and other belongings, so we always have a big scene when she returns home and realizes that she''s missing things. I''m really tired of buying her new stuff because her dad can''t remember to pack them.

  My ex really wants our daughter to learn piano and I couldn''t care less. He''s always calling me to see if she''s practicing and it''s making me nuts! SHARING CUSTODY WITH A JERK Do you find that your ex has no respect for your time or schedule, for the values you''ve worked so hard to instill in your child, and for the lifestyle you''ve developed since your divorce or separation? Does your ex sometimes act or respond in immature, inconsiderate, and irresponsible ways? Is he or she, at times, a complete jerk? If you are raising a child with an uncooperative ex, the scenarios we just listed most likely ring true in some form or another. In fact, if your ex-husband or ex-wife is a true jerk, you can probably add a few outrageous stories of your own. But whether you''re dealing with an ex who intentionally tries to manipulate you and your child or one who inadvertently confuses and complicates your life, there is help. This book offers simple yet effective tools and techniques that will help you communicate with your ex. In turn, this will change how your ex reacts and responds to you, regardless of whether he or she is an occasional or a chronic jerk. Instead of fighting and arguing about raising your child, you will soon be discussing and negotiating your child''s future. Using shared custody scenarios throughout this book, we demonstrate how these communication tools and techniques will help you solve problems and bring about change in your relationship with your ex and your child.

As we go along, you will be able to substitute the details of your own particular problems into the structures we have set up to decide which course of action is best for you. We revisit the problems mentionedat the beginning of this chapter as they apply in the later chapters, so stick with us. In this book you''ll learn how to listen (as opposed to just waiting for your turn to talk), negotiate (discover win-win alternatives), teach responsibility (to your ex and your child), take responsibility yourself (without taking on the problems of others), and foster cooperation among the three (or more) of you. You''ll see that all of these are crucial elements that will ensure that you and your child survive and thrive in the aftermath of your divorce. LIFE''S MOST IMPORTANT JOB Raising a child is one of life''s most important and difficult tasks, yet most people undertake this enormous job with little or no experience or instruction. In fact, most people have had more instruction in how to drive a car than in how to parent a child or conduct an intimate relationship. How many parents give birth knowing how to teach responsibility to a child or to build self-esteem and instill values in their children in a world that is constantly changing? This is a tremendous responsibility and takes hard work even in an intact family. Then try accomplishing this job--raising a child and negotiating the minute details of that child''s future--with an ex-spouse whom you no longer respect and who can be uncooperative and immature and the task can feel Herculean! Not many people would volunteer for a job like this, but your child needs you to raise your hand, step forward, and say, "Yes, I can!" Study after study on divorce says that your child will turn out okay if you don''t ask him or her to choose between you and your ex and if you provide your child with a stable home life.

But if you are like most parents in the throes of a divorce, stability might not be your strong suit right now. That''s why it is beneficial for you to learn and use specific techniques that will enable you to handle situations with your ex in such a way that your child isn''t damaged during this unstable period of your life. THE SCOPE OF THIS BOOK This book deals with change. In it we present clear and practical techniques that you can use to make changes in yourself. Most of the time, the changes in your behavior will change your ex''s behavior as well. However, if your ex is threatening you or your children with violence, you need to seek professional help. Exes who lose self-control are not just jerks. They have serious problems that the police and other authorities need to know about.

Included in this category is constant verbal battering and emotional torment, which can be as damaging and hurtful as broken bones. An ex who engages in these kinds of behaviors is not within the scope of this book . Nor do we deal with deadbeat moms and dads. We define deadbeats as those parents who physically, emotionally, and/or financially abandon their children. If your ex has run off, there are legal channels to follow. Laws are getting tougher every dayin every state, but it is still difficult to engage a deadbeat, and you have our sympathy. Finally, you''ll find that we present only one person''s point of view in each example. We realize that there are two sides to every story (and sometimes three!), but if your ex were willing to discuss your parenting and divorce issues with a therapist or counselor these problems would be on their way to being solved.

This book is for the person who feels that his or her ex won''t even acknowledge that there''s a problem, for the person who feels very alone in his or her co-parenting situation. We''ve written it for those of you who are ready and willing to make the changes necessary within yourselves to be effective and resourceful in dealing with the problems that arise from sharing custody with a jerk. Know, too, that your life will get better after divorce. If you have young children, the physical aspect of parenting will get easier as they get older. And your divorce most likely presents you with an opportunity to reinvent yourself once you move past this trying time. KEEPING IT IN PERSPECTIVE Divorces are usually ugly. The basic process of taking everything that was "ours" and dividing it into "yours" and "mine" is a negative action. On a personal level, divorces consist of one of you telling the other that you don''t want to be partners anymore.

All the plans you made won''t happen now. All the sacrif.