Chapter One Three Steps for Communicating in Difficult Moments Unless I''m responding with my whole self-unless, in fact, I''m willing to be changed by you-I''m probably not really listening. -Alan Alda Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Your kids will not brush their teeth or put on their shoes. You feel as though you''re always nagging. You eventually snap and raise your voice, and then feel bad later. After asking your preschooler five times to turn off her iPad, her only reaction is to have a meltdown on your living room floor. Your children tease, provoke and even hit each other. You repeatedly insist, "be nice to your brother/sister," but the only peace comes from separating them. Your school-age child resists and negotiates with you over unfinished homework.
You try to explain the importance of hard work. He gets mad and slams his bedroom door. Your three-year-old has an epic tantrum in a restaurant because she wants your phone. You''d like to have a nice family dinner but instead each child, as well as your partner, ends up on a device. Despite your patient assurances, your eight-month-old does not cease crying, squirming, and kicking on the changing table as you struggle to change her diaper. Though you have clearly said it''s time for sleeping, your toddler is running, giggling, throwing toys-anything except heading to bed. As a parent, these are moments when you''re just trying to get by. You want your child to listen, to stop crying or complaining, to get with the program and keep moving.
But there''s a voice in the back of your head telling you that being a parent is about more than getting by. You are raising a human being. You are in charge of guiding and supporting a budding little person. When we ask the parents we work with what they wish for their child-what kind of person they hope their child grows into-the most popular answers are: Feels loved and is loving Is confident Has a moral compass Works hard and is high achieving Is self-disciplined Feels peaceful and positive most of the time Is self-aware Is connected to family Has empathy for self and others When you think about your bigger goals as a parent, it puts the everyday struggles in a different light. Yes, you want the shoes to go on, the crying to stop, and the homework to get done. But ultimately, you want something deeper. You want a loving, strong connection with your child. You want to teach her, to support her growing brain to think creatively, to cultivate empathy, and to develop problem-solving skills and self-esteem.
That''s what this book is about. There''s a lot of advice out there about "discipline"-promising to get your child to do what you say-but we want more for you. The way you communicate in difficult moments-how you listen, your body language, and your choice of words and actions-will steadily influence how your child feels about herself, relationships, and the world around her. The Win-Win of Good Parenting The science of child development and parenting is complex and nuanced. Of course it is; humans are infinitely complex creatures, and no two relationships are the same. But thankfully, research does converge on a through line of what makes for a good parent and a well-adjusted, successful child. It''s a mix of characteristics that might, at first, seem like they don''t work together. You might even see them as opposites-but in this book, we''ll show you how they fit together perfectly.
This "gold standard" of parenting has been described in different ways by clinicians and scholars over the years: warmth and high expectations, empathy and clear limits, kind and consistent. Studies of children who are parented this way show them to be confident, caring, self-regulated, high-achieving little people. No doubt, you work at this balance every day. You have mountains of love for your child, and yet you also want her to know that you are the parent, and you are in charge. This is the win-win. Win Win Warmth High expectations Empathy Clear limits Kind Consistent We''re going to show you how the win-win will not only help you solve your problems in the moment, it will lead you to your bigger goals. In fact, you''ll be surprised to see, with the methods in this book, that the ideal stance is to be firmly planted in both sides at the same time. They work together.
Most parenting struggles come from a breakdown on one side of the win-win. We see it every day in our practice: A dad who has high demands for his son but cannot accept his difficult emotions. A mom with endless warmth who cannot hold limits and feels walked all over by her kids. In the media and in your social circles, you hear one side of the same dilemma over and over again. Some people think we should respond more sensitively to babies and kids to build a secure attachment. Others think children don''t have enough structure and that parents are too soft and lenient. Decades of research supports the "win-win" of good parenting. Studies show that parenting styles high on responsiveness (warmth, sensitivity) and expectations (demands that parents put on a child to integrate into the family and society) are linked to children''s higher school achievement.
When parents teach and encourage collaboration in a warm emotional environment, kids learn more than when parents use rewards and punishments. Three Steps, and Words, for the Win-Win We are here to teach you how to have both, as we''ve done with thousands of families using our three-step model of communication. With this three-step approach-attune, limit set, and problem solve, or "ALP"-we will teach you how to maintain the win-win. Our families tell us over and over how empowered and confident the three steps make them feel. They tell us that they spend less time struggling and more time enjoying their kids. ALP allows them not just to get through difficult moments, but to connect and deepen their family relationships. Once you understand the why of the ALP approach, we''re going to take it a step further-we''re going to give you the actual words. You don''t have to repeat them exactly (in fact, over time we hope you create your own!).
The scripts in this book give you a concrete place to begin. With these tools as your starting point, we want to change the way you think about your role as a parent. We''re going to challenge you to lean into difficult moments rather than fearing them, and, even in the heat of your most frustrating interactions, practice responses that keep the win-win in place. The rewards for your family will last a lifetime. ALP is not just a technique, it''s a way of seeing children and family relationships that is based on these premises: Your child is capable. Difficult behavior is the "tip of the iceberg." Big emotions are like storms. These concepts are key to the effectiveness of ALP.
Premise #1: Your Child Is Capable and Built for Good The premise of our first book, The Happy Sleeper, is a simple truth: Your baby is built to sleep. Sleep is natural. It''s a message that resonates with parents because it helps them believe in their babies and give them credit for what they''re capable of doing. So here''s a secret that helps our parents change the way they communicate: children are built for good. It may not seem like it, in that moment when your toddler smacks her brother with a hard clump of Play-Doh or ruins a thoughtfully prepared meal by kicking her plate of spaghetti to the floor. But it''s true. When we say children are built for good, what we mean is that kids are wired with the potential for empathy, for kindness, to learn from experiences, and to get along with others. Baby Skills The littlest of babies have a moral sense-this is the take-away suggested by child development research.
Scientists find that babies as young as three to six months can judge the rightness or wrongness of others'' actions, and they gravitate to the right or positive ones. For example, when six-month-olds watch a puppet help another, versus a puppet that is unhelpful, they quickly develop a preference for the helpful puppet. They look at that puppet longer and reach out to play with it. Babies are not blank slates, they already have a sense of morality and a tendency to look toward what is good. We don''t have to micromanage or muscle them, nor do we have to impose morality on them. They have natural tendencies toward learning and cooperation. We can give them space to test and make mistakes with our guidance and modeling. When children act out, they are not "being bad," they''re working on a developmental skill, like emotional regulation or frustration tolerance, or they''re trying to communicate with us in the as-yet only way they know how.
The premise that your child is good will inform how you interpret tough behaviors and stuck moments. Rather than responding with threats or punishments, you can see your child as a small person with good intentions, figuring out a big world. You have an opportunity to understand, set limits, and guide. The parents we work with tell us over and over that this helps them feel more patient. They shift from worrying there''s something wrong, to seeing emotions and difficult behaviors both as normal and as opportunities for growth. Unhelpful/Traditional Helpful/Accurate Children are naturally selfish. Childre.