Acknowledgments xiii Introduction xvii 1 Trade Frequently 1 2 Trade Foreign Exchange 11 3 Believe in Your Heart That You Can Pick Stocks 19 4 Assume That Recent Trends Will Continue Indefinitely 29 5 Pour Continuer . Sell When Things Look Bleak . and Stay the Heck Out of the Market 35 6 Know in Your Heart That This Time It's Different . and Act on It 41 7 Dividends are for Spending--Not Investing--Just Ignore Them or Use Them to Buy Baubles 49 8 Cash is Garbage--Except When It's Not 57 9 Put Your Money into a Hedge Fund 69 10 Try Strategies That No One Else Has Ever Thought of . You Can Out-Think the Market 77 11 Use the Strategies That University Endowments and the Giant Players Use 81 12 Commodities are Calling . Will You Answer the Phone?: Everything That Happens in Your Life Involves Commodities 87 13 Go on Margin for Everything 93 14 Sell Short 97 15 Do Not Have a Plan for Your Investing or for Your Financial Life Generally 103 16 Do It All Yourself 109 17 Pay No Attention at All to Taxes 111 18 Believe That Those People You See on TV Can Actually Tell the Future 113 19 Do Not Start Even Thinking about Any of This until the Absolutely Last Moment 117 20 Don't Believe That Any of This Matters Very Much, This Money Stuff 119 21_49: How to Ruin Your Greatest Asset--You 123 Choose a Career with No Possibility of Advancement 124 Choose a Career with Little Chance for a Good Income 124 Choose Lots of Education over Lots of Pay 125 Show No Respect for Your Boss or Fellow Workers 125 Don't Learn Much about Your Job, Industry, or Employers . Just Wing It 126 Do the Minimum Just to Get By 126 Show Up in Torn Jeans, Unshaven, Unwashed, Any Old Way You Feel Like Showing Up 126 Show No Regard for the Truth 127 Display Open Contempt for Your Job, Your Fellow Workers, Your Boss, and Your Clients/Customers 127 Act Like You are Morally Superior to Your Job and Your Colleagues 128 Do Not Be Punctual 128 Don't Hesitate to Have a Cocktail or Two at Lunch 128 Gossip and Sow Divisiveness at Work 129 Second-Guess Everyone around You at Work, Especially Your Boss 129 Threaten Your Boss and Employer with Litigation 129 Look for Grievances at Work 130 Make Sexual Advances to Anyone You Find Attractive 130 Make Excessive Phone Calls, Texts, and E-Mails on Company Time 131 Play Video Games at Work and Make Loud Noises as You Do 131 Make and Keep Lots of Personal Appointments on Company Time 132 Listen to Your Colleagues' Conversations and Snoop on Their E-Mails 132 Talk about How Much Better Earlier Employers Were Than Your Current Employer 133 Brag about Your Great Family Connections 133 Pad Your Expense Account 134 Borrow Money from Your Fellow Employees and Don't Pay It Back 134 Question, Mock, and Belittle Your Tasks 135 Flirt with Your Colleagues' Significant Others 135 Proselytize at Work and Belittle Anyone Who Doesn't Share Your Political or Religious Beliefs 135 Say Anything You Want That Comes into Your Head 136 About the Author 137.