1. Get lost! That''s what Mickey says to everyone these days. He might even say it to you if he knew you were here. "GET LOST!" See? It isn''t personal. He has nothing against you. He just wants to be left alone. 2. Get lost, dog! It isn''t just people.
He even tells his dog to get lost. "GET LOST, DOG!" See? Sometimes Mickey has to say it more than once. "GET LOST, DOG!" "I SAID, GET LOST, NOODLE!" Yes, Noodle is his dog''s name--unfortunately. Mickey prefers not to say it aloud. You probably think it is unkind for a boy to tell a dog to get lost. Unless the dog is biting him. Or the boy is allergic to dogs. Mickey''s dog never bites him.
Mickey is not allergic to dogs. Besides, Mickey''s dog is hypoallergenic. Mickey just wants his dog to go away. And he wants you to go away too. It isn''t personal. It isn''t doggerel, either. (That was a joke. Doggerel is bad poetry, or gibberish; it has nothing to do with dogs.
) Of course, it wasn''t always this way. Noodle used to be Mickey''s favorite thing in the world. He never minded that Noodle smelled when his coat got wet. Or that Noodle always held on to balls when they played fetch. Or that Noodle made muddy paw prints--"Noodle Doodles," Mickey called them--on Mickey''s bed at night. You might even say Mickey loved those things about Noodle. Then one day, for no apparent reason, he stopped loving them. Like I said, it isn''t personal.
He just doesn''t love anything very much anymore. 3. Get lost, sister! Well, sometimes it''s a little personal. Like with his sister, Alice. His big sister, as Alice always reminds him. "GET LOST, SISTER." " Big sister." See? "GET LOST, BIG SISTER.
" "With pleasure!" she replies. But she never goes very far. Alice is always telling Mickey to grow up and to think about other people for a change. "You mean like you?" "For starters." Mickey''s big sister is only two years older than Mickey. Well, two and a half. Which is hardly older at all, in Mickey''s opinion. Being so close in age, Mickey and Alice used to be close friends.
Or if not close friends, at least close siblings. Which is close enough. "You''re my best little brother," Alice would say. "I''m your only little brother," Mickey would say back. Or Mickey would say, "You''re my best big sister." And Alice would say back, "I''m your only big sister." It was like a secret handshake. It meant You''re awesome.
It meant I''ve got your back . It meant I love you. Then, one day, Mickey''s older sister got an older boyfriend. Older, that is, than she. Two years older. Mickey: twelve. Alice: fifteen. Boyfriend: seventeen.
Seventeen! A two-year difference might not be much in the case of, say, siblings, but when it comes to a boyfriend, in Mickey''s opinion, it''s much too much. Alice disagrees. As she sees it, having such an old boyfriend means that she is no longer just a little bit older than Mickey; she is a lot older. And a lot bigger. Math is funny that way. 4. Get lost, sister''s boyfriend! Get lost, sister''s boyfriend''s friend! As if all that weren''t bad enough, Alice''s boyfriend is a bodybuilder. He has extra-large biceps, or as he calls them, "guns," and extra-defined abdominal muscles, or as he calls them, "abs"--features that he shows off by wearing extra-small T-shirts.
Aside from his body, which he prizes above all else, and Alice, who in theory comes next, Alice''s boyfriend''s main pride and joy is his vintage muscle car, a 1968 Camaro SS, if you want to know the exact year and model. (Mickey doesn''t want to know the exact year and model.) Mickey calls Alice''s boyfriend "Car-Boy"--or, less often, "Car-Friend," or "Muscle-Boy," or "Muscle-Friend"--but never to Car-Boy''s face. He doesn''t say much to Car-Boy''s face, if he can help it. Car-Boy has no hesitation speaking to Mickey. He calls Mickey by names that are unrepeatable and, in Mickey''s opinion, un-clever. Most of these names begin with a word for a rear end, and end with the word -head or -wipe. Car-Boy lives around the corner from Mickey.
When he is not polishing his car in his driveway, he can usually be found loitering on the bridge near Mickey''s school, where his best friend the mime performs. Yes, Car-Boy''s best friend is a mime. He wears white face makeup and a black beret, and he even has a red plastic carnation that squirts water--most often at Mickey. Mickey''s names for him are "Mime-Boy," "Beret-Boy," and "Silent Scream." And, no, Mickey doesn''t say those names aloud either. Both Car-Boy and Mime-Boy like to hang out and do nothing except take a lot of selfies and harass whoever is unlucky enough to pass by. In other ways, they are an unlikely pair. Unless you imagine them as a circus act, which Mickey often does to amuse himself.
Not that Car-Boy has any circus talents. Unless you count throwing the belongings of young kids over the side of the bridge. Mime-Boy, on the other hand, juggles small, purloined objects, pats imaginary prison walls, and imitates the way people walk--Mickey, for instance. Judging from Mime-Boy''s miming motions, Mickey is two feet tall and walks like a robot. Judging from his loud laughter, Car-Boy finds this extremely funny. Here''s what''s really infuriating: If Mickey walks like a robot, it''s Car-Boy''s fault. You see, the first time Alice invited Car-Boy into their house, Car-Boy told Mickey he walked like a girl. "I do not," said Mickey.
"What does that even mean anyway?" "You know, with your hands like this--" Car-Boy demonstrated, his hands dangling limply from his wrists. "Girls don''t walk like that." Car-Boy shrugged. "I just thought you should know. Since you''re sort of like my little brother now. Don''t be mad." "I''m not like your little brother. And I''m not mad.
" Nonetheless, from that day onward, Mickey has walked with his arms stiff at his sides. Like a robot. And Mime-Boy has imitated his walk. And Car-Boy has laughed. And then laughed again, just in case Mickey didn''t hear him the first time. For someone so old, I think you''ll agree, Car-Boy is not very mature. He''s definitely not very nice. Same goes for Mime-Boy.
"GET LOST, CAR-BOY!" "GET LOST, MIME-BOY!" No, Mickey doesn''t really say that. He''s too scared. Car-Boy is much bigger than he is. So is Mime-Boy. But Mickey thinks it. 5. Get lost, parents! Perhaps you will not be surprised to hear that Mickey''s parents are the people Mickey most often tells to get lost. Although he rarely tells them both to get lost at once because his parents are getting a divorce and these days they are rarely in the same place at the same time.
Mickey''s mom and dad do not believe it''s not personal when he tells them to get lost. They think he''s mad at them. "I feel a lot of negative energy coming from you," his mom says, tying the laces of her new hiking boots. "You''re not making it easy for me to go through my own process." "I''m not mad!" "Blame me if you need to, but I thought you were smarter than that," says his dad, trimming his new beard. "Divorce is never one-sided." "I''m not mad!" Why should Mickey be mad? Their divorce is their business. It''s like he''s always hearing in school: Your body, your choices.
Or in this case: Their bodies, their choices . What Mickey''s parents--his ex -parents--don''t realize is that their divorce has nothing to do with him. Because he'' s going to divorce them. Believe it or not, it is perfectly legal to divorce your parents. As long as you meet certain requirements. Of course, they don''t call it divorce; they call it emancipation . Emancipation means "freedom," basically. Look it up.
Mickey did. If there''s anything that makes Mickey mad it''s that he didn''t see the divorce coming. Mickey prides himself on seeing what''s coming. To be fair, his parents didn''t give much warning. They never fought. They didn''t sleep in separate rooms like some parents Mickey knew. They seemed perfectly happy. Or at least not un happy.
This past winter, they celebrated the holidays together, as usual. And that is no small thing because Mickey''s family has always celebrated Hanukkah and Christmas. All eight days of one and all twelve days of the other. Collectively known in their house as the twenty days of Chrisnukkah. They even celebrated New Year''s Eve with their traditional game of charades. Two days later, first thing in the morning, before the Chrisnukkah menorah could be put away or the Chrisnukkah tree could be taken down, Mickey''s parents called a family meeting. They had news, they said. Not good news or bad news, necessarily; just .
news. They were separating. That very day. Officially, it would be a trial separation, but they expected to make it permanent soon. In fact, the separation had been brewing for a long time, but they hadn''t wanted to say anything until after the holidays. "We didn''t want you to think of the breakup every time Chrisnukkah came around," said Mickey''s dad. "Not that we think of it as a breakup!" corrected Mickey''s mom. "We''.