CHAPTER 1 The Art of Connecting What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters! You can''t reread a phone call. --Liz Carpenter You''re so connected. You check your messages from a gizmo in your pocket, a laptop on your kitchen table, and a desktop in your office. You read e-mail from work while you are at home and personal e-mail on the job. You send out jokes, photos, breaking news, invitations, and announcements. You phone people between classes, on the train, and before a concert. (When you phone from the bus, you always seem to sit next to me!) You leave lots of messages, often timing your calls to avoid actually talking to anybody in person. You buzz your friends'' cell phones with telegraphic short text messages, converse in real-time cyberspace with instant messages, and add a sticky note to any piece of paper you send around.

Although you''ve traded quality for quantity, you''ve still got all your connections covered. You don''t even buy a quart of milk without a quick text message home to see who wants fat-free and who wants 1 percent. Your family and friends know that you''re thinking of them, even when those thoughts only come out as "How r u?" on their cell-phone screens. You may not feel sure that you''ve used exactly the right format for every message, but overall, you''re so connected, you couldn''t be missing anything. Or could you? In spite of all of your efforts, you may still be missing the most satisfying, expansive, resilient, creative way to keep in touch--the personal letter. HOW IS A LETTER DIFFERENT FROM A NOTE? A personal letter takes longer to write than the few abrupt sentences you bang out without proofreading before you click on "send"; it takes longer to read than the blink-and-delete blitz that helps you purge your in-box; and it digs deeper than the brief handwritten note that you drop in the mail. A letter deals with issues that deserve more than a minute of attention. It aims to strengthen a relationship, not just react to a situation.

A letter isn''t limited to a specific message like "Can you come over?" or "Thank you for the birthday check." Rather, it can take both the writer and reader on an excursion that sets off from a home base of mutual trust: "I know you''ll be interested in what I think" or "I''d like to hear your ideas on this." Whether it comes into your life onscreen or through the mail slot, the well-thought-out personal letter is irresistible to read aloud, mull over, respond to, read again, and save. Good letter writing feels much like good conversation, and it has the same power to nourish a relationship. It even includes the same critical ingredient of taking turns, since the best way to start writing a letter is to begin where the two of you left off, by picturing your last -get--together or by rereading whatever the person sent to you. Letters allow your conversation--and your thoughts about each other--to amble along at a leisurely pace, even while other parts of your lives are galloping by. The next time you need to connect with someone who matters, on a subject that requires more than a snap reply, stop and ask yourself, Is there a better way to do this? Is your connection as warm and strong as it could be? Think about what it feels like to settle into a personal letter that''s been written just for you. Remember how connected it makes you feel, how valued and cared for.

Couldn''t you use more of that in your life? Whether it arrives in an envelope or on a computer screen, the personal letter is a small masterpiece in the art of staying connected. Personal letters carry thoughts and feelings that don''t come through as clearly any other way. They tap into a rich stream of history, send your reader unmistakable proof that you care, and offer an outlet for your creativity. Even though you appreciate this lost art, you may still doubt your ability to be this kind of artist. Let''s try to pinpoint what is holding you back. Is it the time involved? Are you at a loss for what to say or how to say it? Do you worry about the rules of letter writing? Although you will find in this book a wealth of guidance and ideas to get you started, remember that the aim of letter writing, like any art, is better expression and connection. The point is not to create perfect letters, but to reach out to the people you care about in a more engaging way. WHAT YOU WILL FIND IN THIS BOOK The first part of this book covers the basic tools and formats, as well as fresh ideas to help you feel confident about what and how you write.

The second part includes tips for writing common kinds of letters, with sample letters to inspire you to write (or type) on your own. All you need to do is focus on how satisfying letter writing can be. Like walking to the store instead of driving, you can build your letter-writing muscle by finding ways to integrate letters into your routine. Just because you can send short messages the moment they enter your head doesn''t mean you have to. Start now; each letter you write will make it easier to write the next one. If you''re skeptical about how to fit letters into your crowded schedule, relax. You don''t have to unplug your computer and go back to hand-cut quill pens on monogrammed paper. Instead, you can learn to take the best that the traditional letter has to offer and use it to add sparkle and civility to everything you write, type, print, attach, or e-mail.

This book will show you how. CHOOSE YOUR FORMAT Your message, of course, forms the core of your letter, but before you choose your words, you''ll need to decide on the best way to present them. Does the occasion call for ink on paper, or would a nicely worded e-mail be the best vehicle to convey your thoughts? Should you print out a typed letter and mail it in an envelope, or attach it to an e-mail? There is no one right choice. Most personal letters can take different forms to fit different situations and relationships. Before you begin, ask yourself how the format you choose will affect the way your message will be interpreted. Doing this will help you to make better choices, and to appreciate and interpret other people''s choices when you read their letters. Because people can''t help noticing, on some level, how you choose to present your ideas, your choice of format becomes an integral part of the message. In addition to the literal meaning of your words, the visual qualities of your format provide clues to your reader about how to interpret your letter.

Your timing and your choice of materials also convey messages about your relationship with your reader. Pencil on notebook paper says "I didn''t forget your birthday" to your mother, but it says "I''m really clueless" to your boss''s wife. A letter written by hand on Cartier stationery suggests a stronger effort to apologize to an offended hostess than a hasty e-mail message, even when it contains exactly the same words. On the other hand, a long, reassuring e-mail letter of support that comes half an hour after your best friend has called in a crisis will do much more good than the same words that arrive four days later on paper. A senator''s office staff may, as a matter of policy, give more weight to a well-worded defense of your position, typed neatly on personal letterhead and signed, than they give to a checked-off, standardized postcard--in fact, they may even show your letter to the senator. And a letter to a long-lost high-school friend will call up a clearer mental picture of you if it arrives in your handwriting on good stationery than if it pops up in her e-mail in-box. Today there are three major ways to send a personal letter; each of them has strengths and weaknesses: * You can handwrite a letter and send it by mail. * You can send a letter by e-mail.

* You can type a letter as a computer text document. Then, you can either print it out and mail it in an envelope or attach it to an e-mail. There''s no uniform rule for how to send which words, when, and to whom. As in all art, the ideal makes compromises with the real. You might prefer to write a long letter of advice to your daughter at college to accompany the check she suddenly needs you to send, but reality may dictate that you transfer the money to her account from your desktop computer and type your advice into an e-mail attachment that she''ll open right away. In contrast, your occasional letter to your grandfather may give him much more pleasure if it arrives on paper with a family photograph or a news clipping enclosed for him to share with his friends than it would if it appeared in an e-mail in-box that he seldom opens. Learn to trust your own instincts when you choose a format for your letter. Listen to the little voice that murmurs either "Maybe this one deserves more effort" or "Don''t worry so much this time; just get it there somehow.

" There are many ways to improve your letter, no matter how you send it. Although one format may be more communicative than another, any letter is better than no letter at all. Don''t let your aspiration to come up with the perfect missive get in the way of your effort to create one that is good enough. When you feel comfortable with the format you choose, your authentic writing voice will stay in tune and resonate more clearly. You may give voice to a different part of yourself in what you scrawl on plain paper than in what you write in your careful calligraphy on -keepsake--quality paper st.