Chapter 1 Why Children Misbehave In this chapter, we will look at the most common reasons for misbehavior-that is, children''s behavior that is deemed undesirable and difficult. It is impossible to discipline gently and effectively without a good understanding of the triggers of misbehavior. Far too many experts concentrate on "fixing the problem" without helping parents understand why it happened in the first place. Any discipline that focuses solely on "the solution" actually disempowers you as a parent. Remember that a good teacher has a good understanding of their subject, and to achieve this they must first take the place of the student. Understanding the reasons for your child''s undesirable behavior is the starting point for knowing how to improve it. So with our student hats on, let''s step into the world of the child and try to understand things from his point of view. Do you ever tantrum? As adults we tend to refer to our own tantrums as "losing control," "exploding," or "meltdowns.

" Similar words are used to describe tantrums in the teenage years. The fact is that everyone, regardless of age, has to deal with overwhelming emotions from time to time, and some cope with them better than others. In fact, we often expect behavior from our kids that we are not fully capable of ourselves. Life is difficult and confusing. We all have a lot to deal with on a daily basis, and if we as adults don''t navigate the journey perfectly at all times, then we shouldn''t demand that our children do. So accepting that your child will have meltdowns and tantrums, just as you do sometimes, is perhaps the best way forward. Resetting your expectations, starting with the baseline that everyone misbehaves from time to time, is a great starting point. In chapter 3 we will look at the neurological basis of behavior and how this changes during childhood.

The human brain differs dramatically from babies to teens to adults, which means it is unrealistic to expect children to behave in the same manner as adults. Perhaps the largest difference is in the area responsible for impulse control and regulation of emotions-which is why resetting expectations for behavior so that they are age appropriate is so fundamental to gentle discipline. For the remainder of this chapter, however, we will focus on nonneurological causes of undesirable behavior, although the two are always linked. There are undoubtedly environmental triggers, but a child''s brain-whether she is a teen or a toddler-is not like that of an adult, and this immaturity will always play a role in her undesirable behavior, simply because she cannot control her actions as well as an adult can. Physiological Behavior Triggers Have you observed that particular triggers of your child''s behavior are of a physiological nature? My children are all noticeably more cranky when they are tired, hungry, or when they''ve had too much screen time. I can also tell when they have had friendship issues or trouble at school by their behavior. Knowing their triggers allows me to prepare for, preempt, and-sometimes-avoid any related bad behavior. It also helps me to not take their behavior personally.

From the child''s point of view, it''s useful if they can recognize and avoid triggers independently, without parental help, although it is the parents'' role to teach them about these initially. While toddlers, preschoolers, and even infants might understand the negative effects of certain behaviors, it is quite unlikely that they will always be able to avoid them without parental help. But in the tween (roughly ages eight to thirteen) and teen years, children can become quite proficient at avoiding certain triggers without any adult input. So let''s explore some common behavior triggers in children of all ages. They are in no particular order, and the list is by no means complete. Remember that each child is unique, and that his or her triggers reflect this; finding your child''s own particular triggers is what''s most important. Diet For many kids, diet can play a tremendous role in their behavior, and parents often notice significant changes after focusing on this for several weeks. Despite popular opinion, sugar does not make children hyperactive.

It is undoubtedly not healthy, but poor behavior is frequently wrongly blamed on a "sugar rush." Conversely, low blood sugar, or rather, low blood-glucose levels, may affect behavior. The body releases a compensatory amount of adrenaline in response to a fall in blood glucose, known as hypoglycemia. This chain of events can cause a negative change in behavior-a phenomenon sometimes referred to as being "hangry," a combination of hunger and anger, largely caused by the change in glucose and adrenaline levels. Simply making sure that children avoid becoming overly hungry can often have a positive effect on behavior. One specific dietary factor that can have an effect on behavior is artificial additives. While the varieties are too numerous to explore in depth here, it''s important to note that chemical additives, such as those found in breakfast cereals, chips, candy, juices, and even children''s medicines, have been linked to hyperactivity. If you suspect your child may be affected, be sure to check the ingredients lists on the product packaging and speak to your pediatrician.

Deficiencies in diet can also play a part. In 2013, research on nearly five hundred children between seven and nine years old found that low levels of omega-3, long-chain polyunsaturated fats were associated with increased behavior problems, a lowered reading ability, and poorer memory. If you suspect that your child''s behavior may be worsened by dietary triggers, the place to start is with a food diary, noting everything your child eats and their behavior daily over a couple of weeks. This can help to provide insight into any negative reaction to foods, particularly additives. Analyzing their diet can also help to identify any nutritional deficiencies. Ideally, all of your child''s nutritional needs will be met via their diet. Omega-3, for instance, can be found in oily fish, such as mackerel, salmon, and tuna, as well as flaxseeds, which can be easily added to breakfast cereals. But when that''s not the case, a nutritionist can advise on supplements that might help to prevent hyperactive behavior due to dietary deficiencies.

Lack of Sleep Have you noticed a change in your child''s behavior when they are tired? Toddlers who have skipped a nap tend to be grouchy, short-tempered, and sometimes clumsy. The same is true at any age (including us adults). I can always tell when my teenager has had a late night for exactly the same reasons. But how long should your child sleep? No one really knows. At best, experts can provide fairly broad ranges for each age; however, sleep needs are unique, and while some kids function perfectly well on eight hours'' sleep in a twenty-four-hour period, others may need closer to twelve. The following table, based on advice from the National Sleep Foundation, is a good guide to sleep needs by age: Bedtimes that are too early, as well as too late, can mean that a child will not get enough sleep. If they are put to bed before their body is biologically ready for sleep, research shows that they take longer to fall asleep and are more likely to wake overnight. A good bedtime for kids under eleven years of age is somewhere between eight and nine o''clock.

Teenagers, on the other hand, are not biologically ready for sleep until much later. Research shows that the sleep patterns of thirteen- and fourteen-year-olds undergo a phase delay-that is, a tendency toward sleeping at later times. This applies to both bedtime and wake time, with a typical sleep onset time of eleven o''clock at night. The problem here is that at this age most children still need at least eight or nine hours'' sleep per night, yet they are expected to get up for school. The early school start is at odds with their biological sleep needs, which invariably means that they go to school having had too little sleep-and this sleep deficit can create or contribute to many behavioral issues. In addition to bedtimes, another major issue kids struggle with when trying to get enough sleep is lighting. Research has shown that blue, or short-wave, light sources trick the brain into thinking it is still daytime and inhibit the body''s secretion of the sleep hormone melatonin. Any night-lights in your child''s room that are not red (in terms of the light emitted) can inhibit their sleep.

Red light is the only one that does not inhibit the secretion of melatonin. And it''s not just conventional lighting that causes an issue with sleep-screens such as televisions, smartphones, and tablets also emit large amounts of blue light. So these devices keep children awake due to biological responses, as well as the obvious temptation to play on them. Screens have no place in your child''s bedroom, or even in the hour or two leading up to bedtime. Sensory Overload Have you ever felt overwhelmed by your environment? Perhaps a place filled with many different smells, loud sounds, and lots of people bumping into you? I personally find the London Underground to be a bit of an assault on my senses, and whenever I travel into London I am always grumpy and exhausted for the remainder of the day. Many years ago, I was exhibiting at a baby show in a very large hall that was lit by rows of spotlight tracks suspended from the ceiling, bathing everything in high levels of artificial light. My stall was located next to the stage where several product demonstrations and fashion shows took place throughout the day, all accompanied by loud music, while the s.