Will I Ever Be Free of You? CHAPTER ONE AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST? HOW DO I KNOW? When Ellen entered her first therapy session with me, she held a card in her hand that she''d printed out from Someecards.com. Without speaking, she handed it to me. It read, "We divorced for religious reasons. My partner thought he was God and I didn''t." While I smiled at the humor, it gave me a good sense about what she would tell me in her story. When Mark and Ellen first met, Ellen felt caught up in a whirlwind of excitement. Mark was charming, witty, and seductive.
Ellen believed that what she and Mark felt for each other was true love. She didn''t realize until after they''d married and had children that Mark''s charm was that of an artful narcissist. Despite his initial showy displays of love, Mark cared only about himself and consistently manipulated others to get his own needs met. He emotionally abused Ellen and their children. When Ellen decided that she had had enough and filed for divorce, Mark was appalled. He could not believe that Ellen would abandon him and ruin his life. Mark saw himself as the victim. Unwilling to compromise, unable to see things from any perspective other than his own, consistently angry and vindictive, Mark created havoc for Ellen through the divorce, lashed out during each phase of the proceedings, and had excuses for even his most egregious behavior, blaming others--especially Ellen--for his actions.
He never thought twice about using his children as pawns. The judge got increasingly frustrated as Mark and Ellen showed up in court again and again. When a divorcing couple is made up of one narcissist and one reasonably normal person, the narcissistic spouse can single-handedly create all kinds of conflict. The narcissist''s actions cause the "normal" spouse to go into defense mode--especially when children are involved. To outsiders, it looks like a fight between equals, but what is really happening is that the normal spouse is trying to protect the children from a bully. Many people do not recognize the qualities of narcissism, even when they are involved with a narcissist. A common perception among divorce lawyers, therapists, parenting-time evaluators, judges, and other professionals is that, whenever you have a "high-conflict" divorce, both parties are responsible for the conflict. Many professionals assume that difficult, drawn-out custody battles are caused by two parents who are each stubborn, selfish, and perhaps a bit crazy.
As Michael Friedman wrote in an article for The American Journal of Family Therapy, "The concept has even entered into what might be called family court folk wisdom: we say that Mother Teresa does not marry Attila the Hun or that it takes two to tango."1 People use the label narcissist loosely, typically to indicate someone who is vain and selfish, but the personality disorder is precisely defined and has been studied by mental health professionals who have identified the traits of narcissists. How do you recognize someone who is a narcissist, as opposed to someone who has a healthy self-respect or even someone who is disagreeably arrogant, but not an actual narcissist? Could This Be My Partner (or My Ex)? The term narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a handsome young man who believed himself to be better and more beautiful than everyone else and who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Whenever he reached out to capture this vision of beauty, however, he touched the water and shattered the reflection. Even so, he could not tear himself away and lost all interest in food, rest, and normal life. Gradually, he lost the strength and the beauty that had made him so appealing and died while gazing at his reflection. His unhealthy self-love was a curse. Sigmund Freud used this myth to describe a psychological disorder--a disease of self-love--that he saw in some of his clients.
2 The American Psychiatric Association (APA) classifies mental disorders according to their symptoms in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The DSM includes narcissism with personality disorders that lead to dramatic, emotional, or erratic behavior, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) and histrionic personality disorder (HPD). These personality disorders have a lot of "comorbidity," meaning that someone can have more than one of them at once. The nine traits listed below from the DSM define the narcissistic personality: 1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, and expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements. 2.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. 3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). 4. Requires excessive admiration. 5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e.
, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. 6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends. 7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. 8.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. 9. Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes.3 Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, which means it ranges from a few narcissistic traits to full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). How common is narcissism? The American Psychiatric Association estimates that 2 to 16 percent of the people who are being treated by a mental health professional suffer from it, and it manifests in less than 1 percent of the general population.4 In other words, the APA thinks it''s rare. On the other hand, Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell, authors of The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, state, "Nearly 1 out of 10 Americans in their twenties, and 1 out of 16 of those of all ages, has experienced symptoms of NPD.
"5 Twenge and Campbell believe that we are living in a narcissistic culture and that the incidence of narcissism is increasing. I believe the truth lies somewhere between these two points of view. We all have some narcissistic traits and can occasionally behave in a narcissistic way. That does not mean we are narcissists. Given that narcissists generally do not seek treatment, I believe that narcissism is much more common than statistics would indicate. My research and clinical practice also support this view. Let''s spend some time getting to know the nine traits of narcissism by looking at examples of how they present themselves in love relationships. Remember, this is a spectrum disorder.
The more of these traits a narcissist has, the more heartbreak he or she creates for the people in relationships with them. The narcissistic personality: 1. Grandiose sense of self-importance without commensurate achievements. Example: The partner whose attitude is "When I say ''Jump!'' you say ''How high?''?" Jackie was the breadwinner for her family, which included her husband, a stay-at-home dad, and two children. Jackie expected the family to organize all their activities around her. She was a finance executive for a car dealership, but to hear her talk, she owned and ran the company. They would be bankrupt without her! Jackie reminded her family constantly how smart she was. She clearly felt that others were beneath her.
2. Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Example: The partner who constantly obsesses about status symbols. When Paul and Vicky went on vacation, Paul would always call local real estate agents, pretending to be in the market for a new or vacation home. He would present himself as a wealthy investor and insist that he needed a real estate agent sophisticated and connected enough to screen properties for him, so that he would see only the best of the best. While his income was middle-class, he would say things like "We really need a property that has a private landing strip, or at least room to add one. I travel a ridiculous amount, and I prefer to fly my own plane when I can. It''s just more convenient.
" Vicky felt embarrassed to be pulled into this kind of lie and ashamed to be deceiving the real estate agents. 3. Belief that he or she is special. Example: The partner who regardless of income has to have the best divorce attorney in town. When seeking professionals to help with a divorce, such as evaluators and therapists for the children, the partner can only hire experts with PhDs who have studied at prestigious universities. If the judge does not rule in the narcissist partner''s favor, that partner decides the judge is stupid and probably won''t follow the court''s orders. I recently observed a woman yelling at a judge, "You are just ridiculous. I am going to get a new judge!" She seemed to think this was as easy as exchanging a pair of shoes and was surprised when security removed her from the courtroom.
4. Requires excessive admiration. Example: The partner who is so needy that he or.