Chapter One: The State of the Union Address a.k.a. Chapter Juan Hi there, my name is Tommy Lee, and there's a couple of things you should know about me right away: I don't like to do the easy thing and I don't believe that there's ever just one way to do anything. If people tell you no or assure you that you only have one option in any situation, trust me, they're lying. There are many doors to your destiny, people. Please believe it.Anyone who knows me won't be surprised that this book isn't a typical journey in a straight line from day one to day now.

I can't really do that because I'm really not into history. I'm going to rail on my high school history class in a few minutes. Right now, though, you have to know that I'm more interested in revealing what's most important about my life, like how I cook my steaks; what I think of the tabloids, the truth, my ex-wives, my ex-band, my music; and what an innocent observer might find hanging around my house on any given Sunday. You'll see, just sit back - you'll get plenty of facts and I'll tell you my story, but my real mission is that I want you to know how my memories smell.I don't like to leave anyone out of my party - and sometimes that's a problem - but in this situation, I'm going to tell all of you fact-and-figure-loving readers where to find what may be missing here: Head into cyberspace. I suggest starting with Google and I'll tell you what you'll discover there if you type in my name: lots of pictures, porno sites, links to shitty tabloid talk shows - what I call my Untrue Hollywood Stories - crazy fan sites (you guys rule!), plus a recurring Tommy Lee Jones theme. Somehow it's true, but I don't mind because I've been getting awesome fan mail about the kick-ass roles I've played in films likeMen in Blackfor years now. It's crazy because, to tell the truth, I didn't even know I could act well enough to carry a feature.

If no one minds, I'd like to take a moment to send a message to Mr. Lee Jones if he's reading. Mr. Lee Jones,Sir, I'm sorry if any unusual mail intended for me, Tommy Lee, has arrived at your house. I've received plenty of it over the years, so I know what my fans are capable of. Again, my apologies, and if any of the packages included amazing Polaroids that you've grown fond of, please keep them for your trouble. And good luck to you, sir!T. Lee Readers, would you like to know why I've named this rideTommyland?The word means many things to me: It is the name of my studio, my home, my hard drive, and the place where my nerves and pleasure centers freak each other inside my skull.

Tommyland is where my boys were born, it's a playland that my ex-wife Pamela Anderson built for my thirty-third birthday, it is where I lose myself most days making records, having sex, and sleeping. It's the only word I've found to describe what makes me up and what makes up my state of mind.All right, it's time to start the ride now, so please take your seats. I advise you to keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times. If you have a pacemaker, a heart condition, or if you are pregnant or too damn short to reach the safety bar, I ask that you turn back immediately. Same goes for those with weak stomachs, strict morals, or chronic indigestion. In fact, you people might want to just put this book down now and slowly back away or return it to your local bookstore.I hope those who remain enjoy their tour through Tommyland.

If all goes according to plan, expect that you'll leave with side effects including pure fear, a perma-grin that requires corrective surgery, and a true whiff of me. Consumption of Tommyland maycreate the urge to get all "woo-hoo" with your friends. Be warned, Tommyland may cause involuntary tears and infrequent vomiting, because Tommyland is a loop-de-loop corkscrew brain masher that Six Flags wished it had.I am Tommy Lee, born Thomas Lee Bass in Athen.