What to think if someone has given you this book as a gift Perhaps you are thinking, Hey. Someone has just given me this book and it has the word anxious in the title. Asshole. Don''t worry. Just because someone gave you this book does not mean they think you are anxious or uptight or have "issues." But chances are you are anxious and uptight and most likely have issues. And no, that is not an insult. It is a compliment.

It means you are very likely an interesting person. But also complicated and probably difficult to live with, even though you think you are easy to live with (a classic sign of someone who is difficult to live with). The point is to simply enjoy the book in the spirit with which it was given. Which most likely was a ploy to get you to see a therapist. Also to possibly regift it to a person you know who, like you, has serious emotional issues. What to think if you bought this book for yourself Good for you. It says a great deal about you that you would carry around a book with the word anxious in the title. Especially since you are not anxious.

Oh sure, there''s a little bubble of fear that sits in your stomach most days. But who doesn''t have that? (Calm people.) Anxiety is a total stranger to you. Well, maybe not a total stranger. Maybe you see anxiety in the neighborhood from time to time. Heck, maybe you have welcomed anxiety into your home, had a coffee and a laugh. Well, maybe not a laugh so much as a question. And that question was about your persistent cough and whether you should have an MRI that very day.

The point is to relax. Remember, you are not an anxious person. And you are holding a book with the word anxious on the cover to prove it. But also thinking that maybe you should return it and hoping you''ve kept the receipt. What to think if you borrowed this book from a friend or the library Really? You couldn''t buy this? I''m a freelance poet, for God''s sake. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the IRS to even recognize that as a real thing? Wow. WebMD It started out simple enough. A brief search.

Kanker sore. Which I spelled wrong and now realize is a district in India as well as the Dutch slang for a very bad word and also, somehow, cancer. Which led me to a site that linked canker sores to cold sores showing how oral cancer lesions can mimic an open canker sore, symptoms of which include mouth pain and difficulty swallowing (both of which I suddenly had) as I followed a link to the definition of head and neck cancer which I did not know was a thing nor did I realize I was now at risk of it as a result of my mouth lesion/canker/cancer sore which often causes golf-ball-size tumors resulting in blindness, lack of motor function, and complete sexual dysfunction. Which is good to know. Then I looked up an earache I was having and it turns out I have two months to live or possibly a head cold. Eulogy We are here today to celebrate the life of Martin Greengrass father, grandfather, dear friend. And I, Nathan, his eldest grandson, have been chosen- honored, really- to give his eulogy. Where do I begin? Boy was he old.

Also, apparently eulogy is from the Greek word "to praise." Or possibly "to die." I''m not sure, as I just looked that one up on my phone. If I appear a bit nervous it''s because I am. The thing is I have never given a eulogy. But I wrote something last night and put it on my desk next to the work presentation I have later today to our agency''s Coffee Mate client. And so what I have here is, in fact, my Coffee Mate presentation. The irony, of course, is that Martin loved Coffee Mate.

The original flavor but also French vanilla, Irish crme, and our newest flavor, hazelnut. I would now like to open it up for questions about Martin as well as Coffee Mate''s marketing strategy for Q4. Here comes someone whose name I should know We have met so many times you and I. And yet I have no idea what your name is as I stand frozen inane grin on my face. Do you have a name? Here you come smiling calling my name as well as the names of my wife children and dog, Fortinbras. Which I kind of can''t believe you remember. My God, you''re almost here. And I will need to introduce you to the person next to me whose name may be Beth.

Or Valentina. I''m not sure. Here''s a quick thought. Not about your name but about the urge I have right now to just start running. That would be a weird thing to do, though, at a children''s birthday party. But not as weird as what I do. Which is stuff two cupcakes into my mouth so as not to be able to speak but almost immediately choke spewing frosting on your face. Ohmigod, Alan, Beth/Valentina shouts.

Alan. His name is Alan. Which I will now never forget. Am I meditating yet? Am I doing this right sitting here cross-legged trying to empty my mind or clear my mind or not think or just be. I forget which. The thoughts aren''t real according to the voice on the meditation app. They''re just clouds floating by. Wait.

Does that mean it''s going to rain? Whoops. Watch them go by. Soft, floating clouds. Smile at the clouds. Fake smile. Sadness. Whoops. Breathe.

Be. Be late for work. Get fired. Never work again. Become homeless and die on the streets in your own filth. Or balloons, the voice says. Thoughts are like balloons. Gently pop the thought.

But if you pop a balloon the sound is very loud and makes children cry. I hate that sound. Will I ever have children? Sometimes I am impotent in the bedroom. Deep breath. Day one, completed. Honest date Kate? Yes. Hi. Adam? Yeah.

Hey. Hey. Wow. So. I don''t know how to start a conversation. You have beautiful breasts. Do you want a drink? A beer would be great. I''m having beer, too.

Ha. You''re shorter than I imagined. So nervous. Ha. Are you laughing at me? I hate my own face. Have you been here before? To this bar? No. Nope. So Tina tells me you''re in marketing? Do you like that? I hate it.

But I''m too afraid to leave because I have no self-esteem. You? I''m not really sure what my company does. Sometimes at work I just sit in the stall in the ladies'' room and cry. My penis is small and shaped weird and looks like a baby turtle. I heard it''s supposed to snow later. I like snow. I love snow. I hate sex though.

So . That''s a nice watch. Thanks. It was incredibly expensive and I regretted buying it almost immediately. I bought it to feel love I never received from my mother. But it is water resistant. I hate my sister so much. Want to share an appetizer? I use masturbation to avoid anxiety.

Sure. I''m going to stay seated, though, because I like to punch my thighs in the face, if that makes sense. Okay. Did I mention I''m terrified of public bathrooms? This is so much worse than I thought it would be. Tequila? Sounds good. A friend hasn''t texted me back yet and I am totally fine with that It''s fine. She''s busy. Who isn''t busy? It''s just that it''s been a few days and it was an awesome picture of my appetizer at a restaurant.

Whatever. Weird though. She could have at least hearted it. I mean, it''s a nice photo if you like arugula (which she does). It''s fine. Is it though? Two days. Nothing. Well, a day and a half, technically.

And she definitely saw it. Read. The text said Read. So I know she read it. And then ignored it. Or laughed. Laughed at my photo of my appetizer which, sure, appeared to just be arugula, but it also had beets and shaved Parmesan. And now I''m an asshole.

Maybe this nice-person faade was total crap. I should have trusted my gut when I initially liked her but then wondered if she was too nice. She''s a horrible person. And I should tell her that. Wait. A text from her. Finally. So hey.

My grandmother died. That would explain things. Still. Commenting on my salad would have killed her? Incredibly relaxed at the beach with the kids Look at me relaxed at the beach with the kids slathered in sunscreen as I sit huddled under an umbrella large hat and T-shirt hiding all skin from the sun which I am enjoying but also deeply aware of its cancer-causing rays. The ocean looks lovely but also deadly. Riptides jellyfish sharks German submarines. Well. Not for some time now.

But still. Get away from the water! I scream at the children without realizing I was going to scream. This is so much fun. The beach. Sand in my sandwich. I have forgotten my sunglasses and.