My six-year-old got hold of my phone My apologies, Reverend. My six-year-old got hold of my phone and sent you 142 poop emojis. Please know that this in no way reflects my opinion of you or the Church. (Although it does make me wonder if there is a god.) To my father-in-law, Lou. No grandparent should ever receive a GIF of Fabio not wearing pants dancing suggestively with the words Let''s get it on! I was sure I had deleted that. To my boss, Gary. Did you happen to receive a photo of a baboon''s ass with a note reading Found this picture of you? I sent that one.

If there were a job interview to have children The interviewer might say I see here that you want children. And you might say, Yes! I''m ready. Great. Are you happy in your marriage? Very. My wife is amazing. Good for you. Just a couple of questions. When''s the last time you went to hear live music? Two weeks ago.

Last-minute thing. Saw a jazz band. Last time on a plane? Paris, I think. Yes. We went to Paris for four days. Did you sleep on the plane? Yes. It was an overnight flight. Did anyone throw up on you at any time? No.

Of course not. Why? Did anyone on the plane wake you suddenly by screaming in your face? What? No. May I ask about the frequency of your sex life? Average, I guess. Five or six times a week. How wonderful. I''d like you to take this paper from me. Do you feel anything? What the hell . what is this? It''s sticky and it smells.

Do you like that feeling? No! Don''t be alarmed but I am now going to pour this large glass of orange juice on your pant leg. Jesus Christ! I can''t believe you just did that. I''m going to make a very loud, annoying noise in your ear. Tell me if you enjoy it. Ahhhhhhh!!!! What the hell is wrong with you, man?!! Mister Simpson, I have some bad news for you. Who will be the first to get up? 3:42 a.m. and the baby is crying.

Again. Who will get up first? I know that you know that I am not asleep. I''m just faking. But I also know that you know that I know that you are faking. Because like me you have developed the qualities of an Academy Award-nominated fake sleeper. Who will break? And then you say If you get up, I''ll show you my boobs. Done. Quiet time Late now and light low.

Stories read, time for bed. Dad, you whisper, why do sumo wrestlers wear diapers? No one knows, buddy. Shhh. Why does the emperor stand behind the catcher? Umpire, pal. Not emperor. Shhh. What happened to the boy who cried wolf? He grew up and works in real estate. Go to sleep.

Sleep finally comes. For me briefly. I wake with a start move like a cat head to the door. Wine time. Dad? (Shit! Dammit! Little bastard!) Yes, buddy? In "Rock-a-bye Baby," why is the baby on top of a tree? Because he wouldn''t go to sleep. The baby fell out of the tree? He did, yes. And the cradle fell, too? The whole thing. Crashed to the ground.

I won''t lie, it was bad. Why do we sing that? Because it teaches us an important lesson. What''s the lesson? Be quiet or we put you in a tree. Shhh. My breast-feeding breasts I know that to you it might seem like it would be fun for me to have my boobs squeezed as I unpack the groceries. It''s not, though. I''m not feeling sexy. And they''re sore and full of milk for our baby.

Also Look at those jugs is not what I want to hear from you right now. (Ever?) And may I add that there is a time and a place to touch them. And that time was not at your uncle''s wake last week. What if I just walked up to you and squeezed your penis? Oh. That was not the answer I was expecting. There isn''t a chance in hell we''re having sex now, is there? You have a look on your face as you get into bed. Well, I assume you have a look on your face as I can''t quite see your face because you haven''t looked at me for a while. Ever since we argued.

There were two sides, of course. Fine. Maybe just the one side. And maybe I wasn''t on it. And maybe I haven''t apologized yet because I have the emotional intelligence of a can of gravy. (Your words, but not wrong.) But now you are in your underwear and a T-shirt. And while I can''t see your face I can see your butt which looks very nice to me.

I assume that my ability to see your butt is a signal from you to me that all is forgiven and that you want to have sex. But it turns out it''s not a signal at all. It''s just my ability to see. Did I mention I''m sorry? I say attempting to touch your non-signaling butt. Don''t even, you say swatting my hand away. Very good then. Signal received. Labor pain After the epidural you managed to nap in the delivery room.

And I watched you my lovely wife smiling at the thought of our child but also a little hungry. Did you pack a sandwich or anything? I whispered to you shaking your arm a bit when you didn''t respond. So what I did was- because I didn''t want to bother you anymore- I went across the street to grab a quick burger and a beer. I decided to sit at the bar because I was kind of tired too. Maybe I was just hungry but it was a really good burger. So then I had a second beer and got to chatting with the bartender. He was the one who suggested that maybe I should get back to the hospital when he found out what was going on. (Great guy.

) And while I wasn''t technically in the room with you when our son was born I was certainly there in spirit. We should all go back to that bar sometime. I am going to count to three I mean it, young lady. You do NOT want me to count to three. 1 . 2 . Dammit. She''s not budging.

What does one do after three? Go to four? Has anyone ever gone to four? What is the protocol on four? Is it possible to go to five? To ten? What happens at 100? What''s the punishment there? A supermax prison in Colorado? I''m going t.