Hello. There are two things you should know about me: my name is Karen Carpenter, and just before Christmas my boyfriend left me. I'm not THE Karen Carpenter. I just have the most embarrassing name in Christendom. Particularly as I'm no skinny minny and don't play the drums. I can't even sing. I work in a school in the East End (where I came third in a Teacher we'd most like to sleep with competition amongst the Year 11 boys) My Mum's driving me mad. She's come to stay and is obsessed with Scandi crime shows and Zumba.

The boyfriend. After 11 happy years he left me. No explanation, just a letter taped to the kettle when I got in from work.