Chapter 1Sex And YouFreedom, frustration,and foreplayHow far is ''too far'' sexually when you are not married?Well, this is the big question for many young people, so it''sprobably a good starting point. The simple fact is that God doesnot map out word for word in the Bible what is and is not okay. Itsure would be nice if he did.But the Bible does give us a lot of guidance regardingthe age-old question of ''How far is too far?'' Repeatedly theBible says not to be sexually immoral. The Bible does not sayjust to avoid the act of sexual intercourse outside of marriage,but to avoid sexual immorality. In other words, God wants usto be sexually pure.So sex is more than just intercourse?The defi nition of sex needs to be widened to consider morethan just intercourse. There are many sexual acts that are notintercourse.

Is the action done to cause arousal? If so, it''s sexual.It is hard to be sexually pure in mind and body if you areconstantly pushing the limits of what is, or is not, okay. Whenyou push the physical or sexual boundaries when you''re dating,it can be like a drug. What was exciting at fi rst starts to seem lessexciting---so you move on to the next level because you want tofeel the next ''high.''Why is reserving sex for marriage so important?Sexual intimacy binds people together physically, emotionally,and spiritually. Each of these three elements is distinct fromthe others, yet they are dependent on one another at the sametime. Sex is a beautiful mystery and a blessing when it is handledappropriately, and it is completely destructive when it is not.Sex is the most physically intimate action you canparticipate in with another person.

And the steps leading up tointercourse---from holding hands, to hugging and kissing, totouching another person''s naked body---are all part of it. Thelevel of intimacy that takes place in all physical actions leading upto and including sex binds those two people together physically,emotionally, and spiritually. The physical is only a representationof what is really going on inside both people emotionally andspiritually. When two people end a relationship that has gone farphysically, it rips them apart, because they have made themselvesso vulnerable to each other on every level.I love my boyfriend, and he says he loves me. He tells mehe wants to go a little further. How do I decide what isokay?First, I do not question your ability to be in love. Manypeople fall in love as teenagers, marry their high school sweethearts,and stay married for over 50 years.

And within marriage, theirsexual activity is blessed as a symbol of their union.I don''t want to fall into the trap of trying to tell youexactly how far your actions should go. Instead, I would remindyou that God asks that you honor him in everything you do.Many students date and display affection in ways that bringhonor to God. However, they''ve usually set strict boundariesregarding where not to go.These boundaries need to be established together---thinking not only of what you can handle but also of each other. Ifholding his hand causes him to fantasize into the land of arousal,then stop holding his hand. If his giving you a back rub gets yourhormones rushing, then don''t let him do it.

Your lines shouldentrench you into staying on the purity side of things.Once the ball of physical activity starts to roll, it can benearly impossible to change direction. And once you have gone toa certain level of sexual intimacy, both of you will more easily goback to that level the next time.I have two friends who recently got married. Both werein their mid-twenties and had dated many people before theydated each other. Each of them was so in love with who Godhad made the other one to be that they decided not to kiss. Afterdating for over a year, they were married. When they kissed ontheir wedding day, it was the fi rst time they had ever kissed.

Thatis truly a love story. Today, they are very happy and learning toexplore each other''s bodies as any married couple would do.So what do you do when you''re ''turned on'' and in love butnot married yet?Try playing a great board game like Scrabble. This will take yourmind off those thoughts---or at least you''ll spell some prettyoutrageous words! But I guess spelling is a lot safer than what youhad in mind!On a more serious note, rethink your alone time withyour boyfriend or girlfriend. It is easy to fall into temptation sinceyou are in love. It''s tough to fi nd a couple who can honestly saythey are not tempted to experiment, so why put yourself in thatsituation? You need to place some strict parameters around therelationship. Establish these parameters at a time when the moodis spiritual, not sexual.One idea could be to establish ending times for dates.

When you just hang out till the wee hours of the morning---andno one else is up but the two of you---you have walked onto thefront lines of failure.You could also consider going on group dates. Lots ofpeople make for lots of fun. The pressure for intimate action islimited because of the size of the crowd.You could also get an accountability partner, maybean older married couple who can help you and your boyfriendor girlfriend to be accountable and sexually pure before you areready to get married. (For more on this, see chapter 7 aboutaccountability.)My boyfriend and I got close, but he never actually went inme. I am still considered pure and a virgin, right?This question is asked of us often: Am I still a virgin? Technicallyspeaking, the word virgin is defi ned as one who has had genitalsex.

However, the bigger issue is purity.When you ask if you are ''still pure and a virgin,'' you arereally asking two different questions. Once mistakes have beenmade, purity is lost. However, we must realize that with God''shelp, purity can always be restored. Always. Too many people getbound by their past mistakes and give up on the pursuit of purity.Regarding your statement, ''he never actually went inme,'' I am concerned about how you got that far along. Whentwo people plow through that many physical boundaries, theyare nearing the point of no return.

This is a place that must beavoided---not because of rules or regulations, but because you arecommitted to the best plan that God has established for you. Thatplan is one mate for life. And that can be defi ned only within thecommitment of a marriage.Set parameters with your boyfriend before you getcaught up in the heat of the moment. This will prevent anger,frustration, and a strained relationship if you miss the mark.My girlfriend and I are trying not to have sex beforemarriage, even though her mom said it was okay. So tohonor our commitment we just help each other masturbate.It feels comfortable, so what is wrong?There is more than one thing wrong with this.

But let''s addresswhat is right fi rst. Your commitment to abstain from sexualintercourse is admirable.Now, let''s consider her mom''s permission. I believehonoring mom and dad is crucial. However, when our parentstell us something, we still need to be sure it aligns with God. If itdoesn''t, we can''t use ''parental permission'' as a license to sin.At this point in your life, you and your girlfriend areaccountable for your own actions. Adjusting to another area oflust and sexual sin instead of having sexual intercourse should notease your conscience.

Look at what 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (TheMessage) says:Don''t you realize that this is not the way to live?Unjust people who don''t care about God will not bejoining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuseeach other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse theearth and everything in it, don''t qualify as citizensin God''s kingdom. A number of you know fromexperience what I''m talking about, for not so longago you were on that list.