INTRODUCTION A New Way of Looking at Dialogue "I can''t deal with him anymore!" This pained outburst, spoken sharply into a cell phone, rose above the din of a crowded Wednesday afternoon at Chicago''s O''Hare Airport, as a well-dressed man wheeled his luggage behind me. Later that same afternoon, settling into my seat at the United Airlines Red Carpet Club, I overheard more cell phone conversations from more successful-looking people with business suits and briefcases--things like: "She may be the boss, but she doesn''t know how to get along with anyone," "Everyone knows that he just isn''t working out, but no one has the guts to tell him," "I got so fed up with that man that I walked out of a project with him and got fired!" These people all have one thing in common: they don''t know how to positively influence the behavior of other people. They struggle with how to talk with their employees, their bosses, and their peers about difficult subjects--or perhaps they have tried airing their grievances and gotten nowhere--so instead, they gripe to others and feel powerless. They don''t realize that the right kind of honest and authentic communication, delivered in a nonthreatening way, could actually change many of these situations for the better. And if this group of elite frequent flyers among America''s best and brightest feel stuck in situations like these, where does that leave the rest of us? Situations like these lie at the heart and soul of our ability to engage in dialogue, a term the dictionary defines broadly as "an exchange of ideas and opinions" and more specifically as "a discussion between representatives of parties to a conflict that is aimed at resolution." In the ideal, dialogue serves as a mechanism to make things right. But in our own experience, it too often has the opposite effect. When we ask people to improve their performance, treat others differently, or even shower more often, the result is frequently anger and resentment-- and far too often, nothing changing.

So does this mean we are forever doomed to choose between getting people riled up, or swallowing our pride and accepting the status quo? In a word: No! This book presents what, for most people, is a very new and different approach to having difficult conversations in the workplace--one that is remarkably effective in actually getting people to listen to you, negotiate with you, and ultimately make positive changes in their behavior. This approach is easy to learn and put into practice, and is grounded in broader trends that are now changing the way we apply psychology to human situations. Above all, it is designed seemingly to achieve the impossible: to make these conversations painless on both sides of the discussion. So, is there a catch to this win-win situation? Yes, just one. It will require you to change the way you view and respond to people--and at times, say things that are precisely the opposite of what you might have said in the past. But once you experience the results of this new approach to communicating with people, I''m betting that you''ll never go back to the old way again. This new, painless approach to dialogue will not only help give you power in situations where most people feel powerless, it will fundamentally change the way you relate to other people in all areas of your life--because the techniques will work just as well with personal as with business contacts. To give you a taste of where we are heading, let''s jump right in with a realworld example that is all too common in many workplaces: Now, what would you say to your employee Marcia after hearing this? Let me guess.

If you are like most people, I suspect it would fall into one of three categories: 1. You would have some choice words for Marcia that you probably wouldn''t say in church. 2. You would gravely intone about your company''s service standards, how Marcia''s behavior doesn''t meet these standards, and how she needs to improve. 3. You would try to avoid a confrontation by dodging the subject entirely, but make a mental note of it for her next performance review. Next question: how do you think Marcia will react to any of these approaches? Will she express joy and thankfulness at being shown how to do her job better? Will she enthusiastically commit to meeting standards of excellent customer service in the future? In fact, is she likely to make any positive long-term changes at all, particularly the next time you''re out of earshot? I didn''t think so--and that''s where this book comes in. Whenever I''ve been in situations like these (and as someone who spent much of his career managing call center operations, trust me, I have), here is how I have handled them, using the approach that forms the basis of this book: Service with a Slam! You are the manager of a telephone customer service center, and once in a while you like to walk the floor and hear what people on your team are saying to customers.

Today, as you approach Marcia''s cubicle, you can hear what she is saying from 20 feet away: "This is the fourth time I''ve tried to explain this to you, and all you do is keep asking more stupid questions! I''ve already spent way to much time trying to help you with this problem. You need to go find someone who knows what they are talking about. Goodbye!" As you walk by, you can hear her slam the receiver down and sigh deeply. * I would come to Marcia with a smile on my face, observe that this customer was getting under her skin, and ask her to tell me about it. * As she responds to me, I would acknowledge and validate everything that she says. ("You''re right. Customers who don''t read the manual and take up your time are really frustrating. I hate being in situations like that too.

") * Next, I would offer to help make this situation better in a way that benefits her. ("Would you like to learn how I handle situations like these?") * Finally, I would role-play better ways to handle the situation with her, and have fun with it. ("Marcia, here is a way to tell someone they are stupid without ever using the word ''stupid'' in the sentence: talk about what happened when you made the same mistakes.") What you are seeing here are the mechanics of a totally new way of having a difficult conversation--a positive, criticism-free process that never puts the listener on the defensive, even in difficult or sensitive situations. The results of this approach? Consistently, over and over, I''ve watched people with so-called "bad attitudes"