I am a product of Don Smith's balls.That's important to establish and acknowledge right off the bat, not only because it makes what I've accomplished in life seem even cooler, but also because Dad's balls have been, to my way of thinking, too rarely celebrated. Unless you count whatever attention Mom threw their way, I don't feel they've gotten their proper due for their part in what became of me. And she's certainly never hailed his nuts in print, so this right here is a real coup for the Smiths of 21 Jackson Street, Highlands, New Jersey. Though if you could ask my father, he'd likely admit that while having his balls in print is flattering, having his balls in my mother's mouth was way better. People need to be regularly reminded that they began as cum. Not to diminish or cut 'em down to size quite the contrary: I tell people they were cum once as a gesture of my awe at their very existence and to pat 'em on the back. There are no losers in life because every one of us who is born is a huge fucking winner.

Chew on this: When I was in film school, there was this specious statistic floating aroundstating there were more film school students than law school students. That was one massive pool of wannabes who'd have to bottleneck into a souvenir teacup full of opportunities waiting on the other end of the rainbow. Breaking into the movie business? Don't worry, Cap'n Solo; even C-3PO can't calculate those odds. Might as well try to navigate an asteroid field. And that's what people congratulate you for: the fact that you simple, normal you cracked the code and got into the club. You get to see your name in lights and somehow that's impressive. I remind these people that my most impressive accomplishment like theirs (and yours, dear reader) is that we beat out billions of tough competitors for the job of a lifetime. Motherfuck being the Sundance flavor of the month; being the sole product of that careless cumshot my old man somehow kept in my mom is akin to beating the Kurgan and becoming the Highlander.

There can be only one (aside from twins, triplets, quadruplets, and quints the monsters and freaks of the baby world). Whenever someone tells me I'm fat, I tell 'em I wasn't always: Apparently, at one point in my life, I was fit enough to out-swim a legion of sperm. And now, like any past-their-prime athlete, I'm enjoying the good life: I hoisted my Cup already, so at this point, fuck off and lemme enjoy bacon and brownies (maybe even together). You beat sock drawers full of dead cum that didn't have a chance coming out the gate. The odds that you wound up in an egg instead of a paper towel? Astronomically against you.